Star Gazing
by Serie11
Summary: Castiel looks up at his Falling siblings and thinks about how he came to be in that position


Stargazing

The order to save Dean Winchester came from high up. All of the garrisons with no current duty travelled to Hell, and even some of those that did. Castiel was head of the garrison that watched over earth. A boring job at times, but a necessary one.

Of all the angels, it was Castiel that found Dean. His soul was blackened around the edges, and Castiel knew he had broken. There were no other angels nearby – Castiel was in the bowls of Hell, the dirtiest and darkest place there was.

Castiel did not know how to fix the broken hunter, so he had prayed to his Father, and had followed the instructions he had received without hesitation. He tore off a piece of his Grace, and used it to bind the soul back together, and to tether it to Castiel so he could bring it with him from the Pit. In the process, he left a mark, one that showed that the soul within belonged to someone – to Castiel.

Finding a vessel was troubling, but Castiel must use one to commune with Dean Winchester. His words to the hunter were true. _Heaven did have work for him._

The first time Castiel felt doubt, it was because of Dean Winchester.  
It had occurred gradually over time, but it all came out when Castiel admitted to Dean that he even _had_ doubts. That he wasn't the tool that Dean thought he was. He had been lucky to see the warmth in Dean's gaze become more apparent, the hunter trusting him more as time went past and Castiel began to _feel._

When he had discovered Heaven's plan for the Winchesters, he had gone to warn them.  
He had tried to evade his brother and sisters, but they had cornered him in the abandoned warehouse and ripped him out of his vessel. Castiel was then brought back to Heaven and was _re-educated._ That was not the thing that had him obeying his superior's orders once again however. It was the ultimatum that they had given him – shut off his feelings for Dean, or never see him again, never touch his soul never bask in the hunters reckless perfection again. That was what Castiel feared, for he knew that Heaven could arrange such a thing.

Castiel could not bear never seeing Dean Winchester again.

Staying separate from his feelings was hard, especially when Dean started viewing him with the same hostility as he viewed all the other angels. Castiel had thought that he had something deeper with Dean, something that the man would understand, but apparently it more one sided than Castiel would have liked it to be.

When Dean was trapped in the waiting room, and Castiel had let Sam out of his prison, Dean implemented so much doubt in Castiel that he was considering disobeying.

Castiel looked up at the stars, imploring them for an answer to his questions, to his doubts. Dean was feeding him questions, questions that he had no answers for.

Dean didn't understand the magnitude of Castiel even _considering_ the action. He simply didn't understand why Castiel followed his orders without question. He didn't know that obedience was one of the main things that made an angel an angel. But Castiel knew that if he were to Fall for any human it would be Dean Winchester. He knew he would never feel for another human what he did for Dean.

If he had to Fall for any reason, it would be for his hunter.

So Castiel does. He disobeys, and even as he does, he feels the beginnings of his Grace fracturing away from him, and he is almost glad when he sends Dean off, is almost glad that he is going to face the archangel that protects the prophet alone. Castiel has no illusions. He drinks in as much of Dean's soul as he can when he sends him on his way, as he knows he is no match for an archangel, knows that he will be dead in less than a minute.

He welcomes it because now he won't feel the slow agony of his Grace coming apart at the edges, won't feel the blistering pain of his essence disintegrating.

That was, of course, too much to ask. God had restored him to life, and his Grace's fraying is slowed, as half of the damage is done by Heaven and half by the angel themselves, by knowing that they disobeyed. Castiel now knows that he could not have been going against God's plan if He raised him, but Heaven is still blocked from him.

With his plan to find God failed by Joshua's revelation, Castiel sees no reason to continue with his existence. No reason except for the jade-eyed broken hunter that he still watches and guards over, even when he has no orders to do so, nothing chaining him to Dean other than his own protectiveness, the connection they share and the words that still pound through him, from what seems like so long ago.

_Find Dean Winchester. Find the Righteous Man. Raise him, and save him._

When Sam fails to stop Lucifer and Dean is broken by it, Castiel offers the solution that he thinks will suit Dean the best – consuming copious amounts of alcohol. He is amazed once more by the hunter's resilience and the fact that he once again goes against all common sense to be at that graveyard. To be with his brother, even when Sam is lost.

Castiel is there with Dean, and he feels the moment that Lucifer kills him. His last sight is the shattered hunter's silhouette.

And when his Father raises him once again, he is once more fully connected to Heaven, and has all of his powers back plus some. When he returns to Heaven he is aware almost immediately that he had made a mistake – there was only death and misery down this path, but he follows it anyway.  
He follows it because any other way will have him dragging Dean back into this. This life, which he had escaped. He was happy with his female and her son, and Castiel was jealous, jealous that he could not provide Dean with what he wished in life. Castiel could not compromise Dean's happiness by renewing their bond, no matter how it pulled and tugged at the edges of his Grace, impatient that it be fulfilled. He tried to satisfy it by visiting Dean invisibly, but then the bond screamed at him to do other things, and the sensations were so strong that he had to stay away from his charge.  
He had tried to make Dean happier by giving him Sam, but something there had turned sour, and Sam had returned without his soul.

Cowley is a demon, and Castiel hates working with him. But he has no other choice – Raphael will try to restart the apocalypse, and Castiel cannot let his hunter's work be in vain.

When Dean learns that Sam has no soul Castiel has the good sense to warn Dean off trying to get it back, but he cannot stand in his way when Dean insists. Anything that Dean wanted would be given to him as long as Castiel could control it. Castiel would give Dean anything.

That is why the expression on the hunters face hurts so much when he realises that the angel has been lying to them, has been working with Crowley, has betrayed them, betrayed _Dean. _The angel realises that yes, he was wrong so _so_ wrong but the trust they once shared is gone, gone faster than Castiel can fly to catch up to it. He nearly flies across the ring of holy fire to cradle Dean in his arms, to fit his vessels hand into the scar on Dean's shoulder, the one that proclaims that Dean is _Castiel's_, and Castiel's only.

Absorbing the souls from purgatory allow him to do things – like kill thousands of his siblings and too many humans. The Leviathans are still inside him when he returns them, and he tries, _tries_ so hard to warn Dean of them, but then they take over, and Castiel is crushed, pushed to a tiny speck of the vessels mind, the vessel which was already breaking from holding all the souls and now the Leviathans were too powerful.

The last thing Castiel can remember is wading into that reservoir and knowing that Dean was following him, hoping, praying that Castiel would be okay.

The months of disorientation when he had no memory were explained somewhat when he looked back. He was missing something, and he knew that that something was very extremely immensely important. He tried to fill it with a life, a wife, but the hole would not go away.  
Castiel knew what it had been. It had been Dean.

Castiel was incomplete without Dean.

He absorbed Sam's madness for two reasons – one, because it would break Dean to have his brother like this, insane, and it was all Castiel's fault for removing the barrier. The second was because Castiel thought that maybe he could start to atone for his problems under the massive weight of his guilt and Sam's madness.

Meg is there, and she helps somewhat after, but Castiel misses something that he cannot recapture. He does not know what it is. When Dean and Sam come he realises that it is Dean – and that he will love the hunter for the rest of his days, and as he is immortal that will be quite a while. Forever, in fact.

Castiel knows that Dean does not see him as whole, so he attempts to fix himself for his hunter. Just as he does, he is catapulted into Purgatory with Dean. He knows that he will be hunted here – angels don't pop through Purgatory every day after all. He is even more of a delicacy than Dean, a live human. He waits for as long as he can, basking in the presence if his hunter's soul, the soul he needs above everything else, before he makes himself leave, makes himself run.

When Castiel hears the prayers that are directed at him every night, he knows that those are the only things that are keeping him from giving himself up to the black monsters. He waits for those prayers, he lives for them. They are the only things keeping him sane.

When Dean finds him, he is torn between immense gratitude for being able to see the hunter again, and extreme worry for his charge's safety. He tells Dean about the Leviathans, and he sees the understanding in the taller man's eyes, and Castiel knows that Dean understands why he ran away. That in itself nearly breaks Castiel. Castiel needs Dean to understand.

He refuses to leave Purgatory with his hunter – he knows that the human will not make it through with him as well as Benny. He sees the heartbreak in Dean's eyes, and he knows it is mirrored in his.

Getting out of Purgatory is a relief. Seeing the suspicion in Dean's eyes is a torment. Meeting Naomi shatters Castiel's perceptions once more.

Naomi knows that Castiel cannot be trusted when it cone to Dean, and she is correct. Castiel knows that there is noting that he won't risk for the hunter, nothing that he won't give if the hunter asks him to give.

Being brainwashed is not good, and killing Dean hundreds of times is not good either. But when push comes to shove, Castiel breaks through Naomi's ingrained thought patterns and heals Dean, not kills him.

He knows that all Dean sees is another betrayal when Castiel takes the angel tablet and then loses it.

Losing his Grace is nothing compared to what he knows Dean will feel – even though the hunter has been distant and angry lately, he knows that Dean will blame himself for Castiel's Grace being stolen. Even through watching his siblings Fall, that is all Castiel can think about.

He knows why Dean feels that way, even if the hunter will not admit it to anyone.

Dean loves Castiel too.


End file.
